I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer in 2014. At the time, my daughter was the star of the Disney Channel show Jessie, and we worked hard to keep my diagnosis private. During chemotherapy, I wore cold caps chilled to 30 degrees below zero to limit my hair loss. I lost eyebrows, and my hair got thin and curly, but no one noticed.
Cancer was a storm of pain, healing, tears, and joy. It was a tragic but redemptive and beautiful hurricane that upended my life. God met me within the stormy waters of cancer and called me to walk on water with Him. I will never forget it. Although I would never want cancer again, I do not regret what God brought from it. He used the experience to bring me liberty and help me receive love. He continues using it today as I have the honor of encouraging cancer patients through what I learned. Sometimes the most unexpected events in our lives produce some of our greatest gifts.
“And Peter answered him, ‘Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.’ He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’” Matthew 14:28–30 ESV
Saved Wrong
I began writing a book about my cancer battle set against the backdrop of my daughter’s fame. The more I wrote, the more therapeutic the process became. Looking back also gave me wisdom and a healthier perspective. The manuscript went through many iterations as God used writing and journaling to help me work through painful experiences and difficult issues.
I had programmed my word-processing software to save automatically every few minutes. One day, while writing in an exhausted state, I accidentally deleted most of the book. The program continued saving the newly deleted version until my original work became unrecoverable. Hours, days, months, and years of work disappeared without hope of retrieval. It was one of the rare moments in my life when I was so devastated that I could not even speak.
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Genesis 50:20 ESV
I Couldn’t Let It Win
Losing so much work so late in the process made it impossible to meet my original publication date of October 13, Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. I could not allow the deletion to win, so I redirected my efforts and created a prayer journal specifically for women with cancer.
Learning graphic-design software was more difficult than I expected. Formatting, designing, and publishing a prayer journal also proved more challenging than I had anticipated. Still, I persevered and released the Breast Cancer Prayer Journal for Women at the end of October 2022. I have written volumes of personal journals over the years, and God has used them to help me sort through life and focus on Him. I pray that the journal I created will help other women throughout their cancer journeys. God can use everything when we place it into His hands.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV
Cancer Was Not God’s Will
I do not believe it was God’s will for me to develop cancer, nor do I believe it was His will for me to lose my manuscript. We live in a fallen world where illness, human frailty, mistakes, and evil exist, and none of us is immune to their effects.
Through cancer, I experienced redemption. Through the loss of my book, I discovered the gift of creating prayer journals. God works things together for the good of His people when we continue trusting Him. We need the tenacity to keep moving after life knocks us down. Are things difficult? Keep going. Look to God for help, and He will walk with you. No matter what terrible or unexpected event occurs, God can redeem it and bring something worthwhile from it.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
