If you live long enough to be in a relationship or have dealings with a toxic person. If you have, you may be able to relate to this post. One of the most challenging things is feeling that that you’ll get justice. You’ve played into their hands, fallen prey to their schemes. You’ve stood by as they’ve manipulated the environment and hurt other people. They have controlled the narrative or the version of the “truth” they want everyone to know. You did nothing out of either loyalty to them, thinking that was love.
15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
Hebrews 12:15
Drinking Poison
If you are someone with a strong sense of justice, Hebrews 12:15 is a challenge. How do we not become bitter? Maybe they drew you in by their victimhood. They’ve set you against your friends or family by somehow becoming their victims. We made the mistake of choosing them, to defend them or give them a chance. They were the ones who were toxic. You did the “decent thing” by keeping quiet or allowing it, thinking it’s a misunderstanding. As one time morphs into many times, we act out of habit. Maybe you felt trapped, when you finally came to your senses, they’ve turned the tables on you. The information you gave them has become a weapon in their hands. They’ve hurt, slandered, defamed, manipulated, and tried to destroy you, but now it’s on you to do the work and forgive? The scales fall off and you see the relationship as it is, a venomous snakebite. The snake will assume no responsibility for biting you. Memories and bitterness keep that venom circulating in our lives. We need an antivenom.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.
Marianne Williamson
The Antivenom
The antivenom isn’t easy nor pleasant, nor does it feel just initially. The ravages of pain, hurt, and offense aren’t healed without forgiveness. I used to get angry that I had to work so hard to forgive. After all, they hurt me over and over and then blamed and slandered me. They take no responsibility, and now I must put all this work in to forgive them. Where is the justice? They don’t deserve forgiveness, but it’s not about what they deserve. We may not realize we’ve been holding bitterness until something happens and we are triggered. Sometimes, it’s a simple conviction in our hearts; other times, we have an extreme emotion where it doesn’t fit. At that time, we must take the opportunity to stop, drop the offense, and forgive. Forgiveness is the antivenom.
How Can I Forgive?
We don’t forgive because they deserve it or are truly remorseful. They usually aren’t. We forgive to release the poison and the pain. I said, “More easily,” it’s sometimes tough work. We will never get justice from them; they can never right the wrongs they did to us. We will never have the sweetness back we thought you had at the start. It’s not in them, so looking to them for it is futile. It’s only by forgiving them that we can release the pain and the bond with them. When it’s hard for me, I see it as a sign that I need some love and grace. Spending a lot of time in specific meditation and thankfulness for ways that He has forgiven me helps. It also helps me forgive myself. A good dose of grace will help us in our forgiveness endeavors.
Warning
Forgiveness doesn’t mean going back to a relationship with them. This will help us be in an easier space to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pursuing a relationship with them. If they are toxic and abusive, and you have gotten out, you should never go back. If you are in a toxic, abusive relationship, find a licensed counselor who specializes in this type of relationship. You must be very wise, prepared, and protected before leaving. They won’t listen to reason.
25 Whenever you [a]stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him [drop the issue, let it go], so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions and wrongdoings [against Him and others]
Mark 11:25
Prayer
God, I thank You for my many sins that You have forgiven. I need Your help to forgive this person. I start by choosing to forgive the deep wounds this person has caused in my heart and my life. I choose to put justice into Your hands. I release that bitterness that poisons my life, connects me to them, victimizing me over and over. God, help me see this situation the way You see it. I pray for justice and truth. Please give me the wisdom to never get into a situation like this again. I will follow Your lead and Your alerts in my soul. I thank You, that this prayer is close to Your heart and that You will bring it to pass. I thank You, in Jesus’ name, Amen.
Poem
